


Mac and Dee Go on Maury Povich

by astrangerenters



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen, Humor, Transsexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-20
Updated: 2009-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-04 17:57:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangerenters/pseuds/astrangerenters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Carmen the Transsexual requests Mac's presence on the Maury Show, Dee will do anything to get her slice of the fame pie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mac and Dee Go on Maury Povich

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fujiidom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fujiidom/gifts).



> Features the usual insensitive, un-PC humor of the show and lots of adult language.

**10:24 AM**

On a Tuesday

Philadelphia, PA

"Well, obviously Spiderman doesn't have to rely on a bunch of stupid gadgets to get the job done," Charlie complained, already on his third beer of the morning.

"Stupid gadgets?" Dennis interrupted. "Excuse me, stupid? I don't know how you can sit there and call the Batmobile stupid, Charlie. I almost want to take this bottle and break it across your face."

"Yeah, I'm not cleaning that up," Dee mumbled, still going through the meager offerings in the tip jar from last night.

Three dollars, a few nickels, a Canadian coin she couldn't readily identify and then there was the guy who had apparently confused the tip jar with a business card jar. She tossed that in the trash as she slid another beer down to the end of the bar where Frank was doing something dangerous and most likely stupid with his gun. He'd bought a silencer because of neighbor complaints at the apartment.

Charlie raised his voice along with his anger. "Spiderman doesn't even need a car! He can just shoot webs wherever he sees fit!" He started flicking his wrist dramatically. "Web! To the DMV. Web! To Mary Jane's house..."

"Your logic is faulty, Charlie. And quite honestly pathetic. If your argument is that Spiderman requires no vehicular transport," Dennis noted, "then why in god's name would he go to the DMV?"

"Peter Parker still needs a state ID."

Dee cleared her throat and pocketed the Canadian coin anyhow. "Yeah, well Wonder Woman would school both of those losers."

Argument instantly forgotten, Dennis and Charlie turned to her with shocked expressions. "Wonder Woman?" they cried out in unison.

"No way a broad's gonna kick Batman or Spiderman's ass, Deandra," Frank said, screwing the silencer onto the gun's barrel for about the fourteenth time. "But keep living in a dream world."

"I don't live in a dream world, Frank. She's an Amazon. She has a lasso."

Charlie and Dennis laughed, clinking their beers together. "Sure, Dee. Sure. A girl's going to lasso Spiderman off of a skyscraper," Dennis said. "A girl's going to stop the Joker from wreaking havoc on Gotham City. Sad. Very sad."

Dee scrubbed the bar hard enough to make her hand start cramping. She needed more female friends. "You guys are assholes."

The door to Paddy's opened, and Mac entered, manila envelope in hand. He was reading, a sight that sent a creepy shiver down Dee's spine. There was truly something up, especially as Mac situated himself atop one of the bar stools without one of his characteristic greetings involving the word "bitches."

"Hey Mac," Charlie said. "Spiderman. Batman. Who wins?"

"Superman," Mac muttered, completely ignoring them in favor of whatever the envelope contained.

"Oh god damn it, you can't pick Superman! He's not even from this planet!" Dennis cried, knocking back the rest of his beer.

"Whatcha reading?" Dee asked, even if she cared very little about Mac's activities. Anything was better than the sexist superhero posturing from the other two idiots.

Mac sighed heavily, scratching the hairs on his chin. "I got a letter from the Maury Povich show."

"You what?" Dennis asked.

Mac turned the envelope around, and from her vantage point, Dee could clearly see the logo from the TV show. "Dude, are you a baby daddy?" Charlie asked, wide-eyed. "Is it for a paternity test?"

He shook his head. "All it says is that Carmen's going to be a guest, and that she wants me to be there."

"Carmen?" Frank interjected, pointing the silencer-clad pistol at the frosted glass light fixture over the pool table. "Who the hell is Carmen?"

"Chick with a dick Carmen?" Dennis asked.

Mac nodded, looking rather grave. At least for him. Dee twisted off the top on a beer and slid it down the bar for Mac. "Maybe she's gonna tell the audience how much of a douchebag you are," she told him. "You treated her like shit."

"I didn't treat her like shit," Mac protested, sucking the beer down in almost record time.

"Man, this doesn't sound good," Charlie said. "Are you gonna go?"

"He has to tell his side," Dennis pointed out. "He-she will just go on there with her dick showing through her pants and tell the world that Mac banged her. Multiple times."

"I don't want people to know that," Mac cried. "I really don't."

"Fight back," Frank encouraged. "You don't want this broad with a cock telling your life story. Here's what you do. You go on there. You bring another broad, one with bigger tits than hers..."

"...for Christ's sake, Frank," Dee moaned.

"...you bring this other broad, and you do like they always do on those stupid shows. You say 'here's what I'm banging now, you meant nothing' and sure, the audience will boo you, but they'll go 'hey, look what that guy gets to bang every night'..."

"Sounds like a good idea, Mac," Dennis chimed in, and Charlie was nodding too.

They were disgusting, as always, Dee thought. But she wasn't an idiot. She could sense opportunity knocking, could feel it as sure as she could feel the vodka going through her. Damn, she needed to put the cap back on the Stoli. "Look, if Mac needs me to be his other woman, I volunteer."

The four assholes just laughed, complete with back patting and other masculine bullshit. "You?" Mac cried. "No way! I'd rather the world knew I was banging Carmen. At least she's hot, cock or not."

"I'm hot!"

"Deandra, let the men talk," Frank interrupted, turning back to Mac. "Let me find a good escort service."

"Wait!" Dee continued. "What's wrong with me? He's going to need a ride up to New York City anyhow."

"Me in drag is a better choice," Dennis told her bluntly. "Hell, Charlie in drag is a better choice, and he eats birdseed like it's Fruit Loops."

"And at a fraction of the price!" Charlie noted.

She needed the national syndicated exposure that a Maury appearance could give her. She'd be the other woman, the lusty Jezebel, a role she had always wanted to play. Maybe talent scouts watched Maury on their lunch breaks. "God damn it, I'm going with!"

"You can drive me," Mac said, slipping the paper back in the envelope, "but I'm not paying for gas, and you're not going on the air."

–

She was going on the air, Dee told herself again and again as her car sputtered its way up I-95. She'd talk to a producer, talk to Maury himself if she had to. This was a chance of a lifetime, and Mac was just going to squander it.

Speaking of Mac, he was wearing that stupid duster, claiming it would 'make him look bad-ass and intimidating' in order to get audience favor on his side. Dee didn't really understand what went on in Mac's head most of the time. It was probably a frightening place to be.

Of course, when they stopped at a rest area so Mac could go to the bathroom and determine the best way to pop off the duster mid-Maury interview and show his biceps, Dee got a hold of his cell phone. She found the number for 'Brandy' in New York City, the woman Frank had hired to show up for the program.

"Hey Brandy," she said as soon as a woman with a simpering voice answered. "Yeah, hi, this is...Stacey on behalf of the Maury Povich Show. Yes. Yes. Yeah, we're not going to need you today. Yes, I'm serious. Oh, definitely run the credit card through, yeah. Okay? Okay! Thanks so much. Buh-bye now. Bye."

She returned Mac's cell phone to its resting place in her cup holder, wicked grin plastered across her face.

"Jesus, Dee," Mac said when he got back in the car. "You look scary as shit."

"I'm smiling, asshole," she grumbled, turning the key in the ignition. She'd show him. She'd come right out on the stage and throw chairs, and then she'd be a star.

–

They'd whisked Mac away almost immediately, bringing him off for hair and makeup for the taping. She sat in a waiting room watching the studio from a monitor. This wasn't going to get her on the air, that was for sure.

She got up, keeping her purse close as she poked her head out in the hallway. One of the producers was yelling at some assistant, shaking his clipboard in the younger man's direction. "How do you lose a tranny?"

"I didn't lose him, Andy," the assistant protested. "Or her. Whatever. I didn't lose her! I just don't think she showed up yet..."

"Ugh," Andy complained, flipping through pages on the clipboard. "We'll move on to the one from Philly."

The one from Philly! It was almost Mac's turn, and she hadn't found a way into the makeup room. She hurried out into the hallway, ready to bargain her way on as a special guest when the producer turned to stare at her.

"There you are. Are you Ron?"

"What?"

He flipped through the clipboard. "Ron Parsons? The future Rhonda? From Hoboken?"

"What? No!"

The assistant was helping his boss flip through the clipboard now. "I don't think he was going to be blonde..."

"I'm not a transsexual!" she protested.

"We've been looking all over for..."

She yanked the producer by his cheap tie, rage building. She was going to get on the TV show, but even she had her limits. "I. Do. Not. Have. A. Penis!"

"Are you sure?"

Dee paused. It was just acting, wasn't it?

–

Dee was on standby, watching the monitor from the green room as Maury welcomed Carmen to the show. The audience applauded, and Dee could imagine hearing them cheering for her. Well, cheering for Ron. Rhonda. Whoever. She'd be so convincing that she'd get a starring vehicle. She'd be like Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry, but pretty.

"Carmen has a message for one of the men in her life today," Maury announced.

The woman was there, smiling and lovely. Dee had to admit that she made a pretty girl – but surgery could make anyone pretty if you had enough money. She got off the couch and paced – hopefully this whole business with Carmen and Mac would take a minute, and then Ron Parsons, now Rhonda, could walk out and convince the audience of idiots how brave she was. Role of a lifetime – boy, would Artemis be jealous.

"That's right, Maury," Carmen said, looking down nervously. "He's my ex, and he hurt me. A lot. And I just...well, I want to tell him something that's going to shock him."

Dee snorted. Carmen probably wouldn't get a chance – Mac would come out in that stupid duster, he'd start doing push-ups, thrust his crotch in her face, and he'd get booed off the set. And then it would be her time to shine, faking the whole tranny thing or not.

"Well, Carmen, let's bring him out. All the way from Philadelphia, here's Mac!"

The audience booed and thumbs downed Mac as he came out, cursing and giving the finger. Maury handed Carmen a box of tissues as Mac took his seat.

"Hey there, Mac. Got a bit of an attitude I see?" Maury asked, giving the audience a knowing look.

Mac turned, giving a look to the audience he probably thought was intimidating. It really wasn't, in Dee's opinion. "They don't know me, Maury! They haven't met me."

"Well, I have," Carmen said with a smile. "And you're a jerk!"

The audience whooped and cheered, and Dee watched in triumph as Mac's face fell. The crowd wasn't going to take his side at all. Big surprise.

"Let's settle down now," Maury continued, looking like he wanted to get back to filming another slew of paternity test episodes instead of dealing with Mac. "Mac, do you know the name of today's program?"

"I don't."

"Well, son, the name of today's program is 'Snip, Snip – Check Out the Brand New Me,' so do you have any thoughts on why Carmen brought you here today?"

Dee's jaw dropped. The chick with a dick was dickless! Carmen wasn't a guy any longer – she was all done! But Mac didn't seem to catch on.

"Uh, no Maury." He leaned back in the seat as Carmen dabbed her eyes, tugging the duster back to show his muscled shoulders in hopes of recapturing the audience's favor. "I'm not a mind reader," Mac scoffed.

"Carmen, why don't you give Mac the 411?"

Dee was shaking. It was going to be a heartfelt admission, Mac was going to flip his shit, and Ron Parsons would be completely overshadowed. This was going to be a disaster!

"Mac...I just wanted to tell you..."

Dee was off, running down the hallway, producers screaming for someone to catch her.

"...I just had the surgery done and..."

She made it to the set, foot catching on the door as she burst out, falling headfirst down the steps. The audience cried out as she tumbled, Maury and guests getting to their feet.

"Who the hell is that?" Maury screeched. "Get her out of here!"

"No!" Dee squealed as the security guard started to haul her away. Mac looked furious, Carmen looked annoyed, and Maury Povich probably wanted her arrested. But it was her time! How else would she be able to reach such a wide-ranging audience with her talent? Her talent! Her TALENT!

She opened her mouth as soon as she saw Camera Three pointing her way. "My name is..."

–

"...is Dee Reynolds from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and I'm a transsexual!"

Dennis immediately turned off the television, dropping the remote to the floor of the bar as if it had burned him.

Charlie and Frank sat in silence, unable to utter anything as Dee stood triumphant. "See, bitches? The whole country gets to see me!"

"The whole country thinks you have a dick, Dee," Dennis reminded her.

"So what?" she said. She was going to be famous. She'd get to do tell-all interviews with Entertainment Tonight about her bravery in coming forward, they'd marvel at her not really being a transsexual but doing her utmost to raise awareness, et cetera. There'd be Tranny Dee lunch pails and fast food tie-in merchandise and everything.

Frank turned the television back on, and where Dee expected to see the remainder of her outburst and resulting expulsion from the Maury set, instead Maury was sitting there talking to the camera on an empty set.

"...in a time when it is so difficult for these transgendered individuals to come out and express themselves, to seek our recognition and our tolerance, it's people like Dee Reynolds from Philadelphia who try to negate their courage. It's people like Dee Reynolds who are hurting this country, keeping those barriers up. Shame on you."

Charlie and Dennis burst out laughing as Dee felt her world crumbling.

"No..." she muttered, blinking away her shock as Maury Povich personally berated her for the entire country to see. She could see the interviews disappearing, the Tranny Dee merchandise vanishing. "No, Maury, you can't do this to me..."

Mac entered the bar, Carmen's arm around his waist. "What's up, bitches?"

"Hello Dee," Carmen said, a twinkle in her formerly completely one hundred percent male eye. "How's your penis?"

"Fine. Thanks."

The others welcomed Carmen with open arms, seeing as how she no longer had a johnson while Dee cleaned glasses on her own. The syndicated viewing audience of Maury Povich either thought she had a penis or was an attention whoring person unworthy of their time or patience.

Well, it wasn't the worst thing that had ever happened to her. It beat being set on fire.


End file.
